Lake is three

In honor of Lake's upcoming birthday, on May 6th, I thought that I would repost our birth story and give a brief update on what's going on with him...

My pregnancy was practically uneventful. I tend to have easy pregnancies and this was no exception. Around 10:30 p.m. on May 5th, I felt that my water bags had torn and I knew labor was coming. I felt my first contraction, strong and attention getting, at midnight....and then another, and another. Knowing how short my labors tend to be, Lake's daddy and I gathered what we need to gather, called my step-father to come watch the children, and left for the hospital. I was barely at the hospital for 30 minutes before he was born....he beat the doctor and was caught by the nurse. Lake quietly slipped into our lives on May 6th, 2007 at 2:31 a.m. The only one of my babies to be born in the middle of the night. His labor was the shortest of all, two and a half hours from beginning to end. Though short labors tend to be more intense than long ones, this labor was not the most intense of my labors (that title goes to Lanagan's birth). It was sweet, quiet, and intimate...well, as intimate as it can be in a hospital setting. At the time of the birth, I remember thinking how lucky I was to be able to experience another natural birth. Natural birth is one of my true loves (as many of you know). It is the most wonderfully rewarding experience a mother can have. During my labor, I remember being proud of myself for the gift I was able to give Lake: a birth uninhindered by drugs, a strong, solid connection between mother and child, and a long nursing relationship.

Lake is three this year. Our family has grown immensely since his birth. I have had another child. We've joined to Cotton family and have moved to Robeline, LA, which has been a drastic, but wonderful change. I love watching Lake in this environment. He is able to get out and stretch his legs without me hovering in fear of someone snatching him up or running him over with their car. He is so very close to his sister, Mikal, he worships Lanagan, and he sweetly smiles and kisses Cian every day. He continues to be the sweetest of my children though he has a stubborn and mischievous side to him. His eyes are so very expressive and have recently started to change from blue to a piney, olivey green color. Lake has a special connection with Brian....it brings me peace. He is truly an entertaining child, he makes me smile daily.

Happy Birthday, Lake....I love you so

The necessity of crap...

The older I get and the more kids I have, the more I realize the the uselessness of stuff that we possess. With my first child, we had a proper nursery set up, complete with crib, matching wall hangings, swing, bassinet, stroller, etc. Fast forward 8 years to the birth of my fourth child...he has no room of his own: we have a co-sleeper attached to the side of our bed, we have no swing: I have never found them useful, we have no bassinet: also useless. I do possess a small stroller, but I have had only a few occasions to use it. I have only found a few baby products that are of absolute necessity. 1) My Medela Pump In Style breast pump: I bought this pump in 2001 after the birth of my first child...I am still using this pump during child 4. There are a couple of pieces that I need to be replace, but all in all, it was well worth the $230 I spent on it. 2) My baby slings...I really, really believe in the power of baby wearing. I have a few different slings. My Mei tai sling is my favorite. I refuse to haul an infant seat around, I'm just not strong enough. I can strap the baby to me with the sling and go about my business whether it be grocery shopping or house work.

I'm not saying that baby stuff is unnecessary for everyone...we all have those things that we simply MUST have...I'm just saying that I personally find that I don't need the majority of baby crap that's out there. I don't find that I use them enough to justify the cost. People look at me funny when they find out that my baby doesn't have his own room. Why does he need one? Will he miss not having one? Definitely not right now. I'm not saying little Cian will never have a room to call his own...I just don't see the point in setting up a nursery that he simply won't use.

I have found pleasure in living with less. We don't have t.v. at home. We have actual televisions with dvd players and, yes, VCRs. We have tons of movies for adults and children...we also have a play station and an Xbox 360. It eases my mind that I know exactly what the children are watching and that they aren't being bombarded with advertisements. We really don't miss cable. Most of the stuff on t.v. is crap anyway. I miss some things: American Idol, Big Brother, Food Network...but, do these few things justify getting satellite? Not so far...

Mommy stuff...

One of the main benefits (for me, at least) of drug free births is the bonding between mother and baby immediately after the birth. Unhindered by drugs, both mom and baby are able to look at and interact with each other. I love how people hold my babies and say, "S(he) is so alert!!" Hell yeah, he's alert...I brought him here without anything to make him not alert. I'm proud of myself for being able to do that. It is THE most amazing thing that I've had the pleasure of doing.

When Cian was born, Brian caught him and handed him to me between my legs. I remember grabbing his slippery little body and thinking two things: 1) "Wow, he's heavy!" and 2) "Wow, there he is, why don't I feel intense feelings for him?" Honestly, I shouldn't give myself such a hard time. I know the whole bonding and intense feeling thing takes a moment. But, I have harsh feelings of guilt over numerous things including my mothering abilities. I always feel that I should have done more in this department or less in that department....why didn't I teach this or I shouldn't have said that. Whatever...

So, of course Cian and I have bonded in the last three weeks. But, I didn't feel it in that extreme intense way that I have with the others until the other day. I had a dream about a baby. In the dream, the baby was mine, but it wasn't Cian. The specifics of the dream aren't important and I absolutely refuse to divulge them to anyone except Brian. When I was trying to tell him about the dream yesterday morning, I would tear up immediately. I'm not sure if I finished telling him about the dream or not. I was so overwhelmed by the emotion of the dream. While sitting in bed nursing Cian later that morning, I realized that I was there. I had that intense protective, bond-ish, mommy feeling that I had been thinking about. The fact that the baby in the dream wasn't Cian was irrelevant. It was the feeling that was important. Most moms know the feeling that I'm talking about. It's that feeling that you get when you're holding your newborn baby and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would give up your complete existence to protect the small, helpless creature that you currently have clasped to your breast. It's not a fleeting feeling, either. Once you feel it, it stays with you. I still have these intense feelings about Lanagan, and he's 8.

Biologically, this feeling is necessary for the continuation of our species. If mothers didn't feel this intense feeling for their babies, who would protect them so fiercely and how would helpless babies survive? They wouldn't. Of course, I'm not saying that dads don't have intense feelings about their children. In fact, I would definitely say that Brian displayed intense feelings toward Cian far sooner than I did. It's different for moms, though. There's just something about delivering another being from your own body...you'd just have to experience it:)

My birth story

I will probably not do this story justice...but, this is my attempt.

On Monday 1-18-10, I was 8 days late and went to see the midwife for my weekly check up. She was becoming concerned about the size of the baby and the shoulders getting stuck on the way out. She suggested stripping my membranes that day, using Master Gland on Tuesday, and then trying Castor Oil on Wednesday if all else failed. She said that she really wanted to see me have the baby by the end of the week.

The membrane stripping didn't hurt immediately, but once I got into the car and started on the 1 hour trip back to Shreveport, I was hurting. I had a little bloody show and continued cramping once I got home, but she said that would be normal. She suggested that I try to walk some, so Brian and I walked up and down the street a few times before going to bed. Tuesday morning I woke up and started the Master Gland (herbal supplement thought to help encourage labor to start). Two tablets every 2 hours starting at about 9:00 a.m. I decided to walk on the treadmill for about 15 minutes at about 3:30 p.m. or so. Around 4:00 p.m. I was not feeling really well. No contractions, just feeling generally bad. My back was killing me. I went to lay down but felt really discontent. I decided to get up after about 20 minutes or so. At 5:00 p.m. I started feeling what I thought were contractions, though it was hard to tell. In the past, I have been able to tell when I had my first contraction...I have strong, long, distinct contractions...it was not the case this time. The pains in my back started to combine with contractions and I started timing them at about 10 after 5 p.m. The first two or three contractions were about 9 minutes apart and were only about 30 seconds long..."not long enough to be productive," I told Brian. I continuted to time them and they suddenly jumped to 2 minutes apart but stayed at Show allabout 30-40 seconds. I called the midwife and we decided to go ahead and head to my friend's house in Texas. I took a quick shower as a comfort measure while Brian got things together. My mother showed up and we headed out to the van. The contractions, though short, were getting progressively more painful. As I tried to get into the van, I felt my water broke...not a harsh pop that I have experienced in the past, but a mild gush...I would learn later that the water bag must have popped high up as my water bag was bulging once I was checked by the midwife. We drove the 20 minutes to my friend's home. The midwife had about an hour drive. Once we got to my friend's house, I found that I was very discontent and didn't know what to do with myself. I even said that to my friend, Pam. I changed into a night gown as I was wet from my water breaking. I stood for the majority of my labor...swaying from side to side with my hands planted on the bed. Brian would rub my back between contractions and I would occasionally lean on him. For this birth, I didn't really want to be touched much during the contractions. Brian was wonderful and graceful about rubbing me when I wanted it and backing off when I asked him to. I migrated from one side of the bed to the other side and then in and out of the bathroom a couple of times. Meanwhile, the midwife showed up at about 7:30 p.m. and checked me....6 cm dilated. She set about getting her birthing stuff in order with the assistance of Pam. My mother was there though I don't quite remember what she did. She has the amazing ability to comfort me by being present but fading into the background. Brian rubbed my back and told me how wonderful I was doing.

I eventually decided to get onto the bed on my hands and knees. I continued to rock and sway my hips during contractions. I made the comment that the warmth of Brian's hands felt good on my lower back...Pam had a crock pot set up with warm water right by the bed. They put wash cloths in the water. My mom would soak one in the water and give it to Brian who would put it on my lower back. Once it cooled, Brian would give it back to Mom and she would give him another one. I don't know how long this went on. I felt a slight urge to push at the peak of a contraction and told the midwife so. She nodded. A couple of contractions later, I grunted pushed. I saw Shayna, the midwife, and Pam get up and get things together. She listened to the baby's heart beat and asked me what position I wanted to push in....I said, "I don't know" and stayed on my hands and knees. I kept thinking that I would lay down...right after this next contraction. I never got around to laying down....just stayed on my hands and knees. Pam stood in front of me with a cold wash cloth on my face and neck and Brian remained where he was as he wanted to catch the baby. Shayna was back there with him...my mother was off to my right side. Shayna guided me on my pushing, telling me when to push lightly...other than this I pushed as I wanted with little direction other than being told that I was doing a good job. Though I don't recall, Brian said I pushed about 5 times. I remember feeling the burning of the head coming out and then being told that one shoulder was out. Next, I felt the rest of his body come out. Cian was born at 8:49 p.m. after about 3 hours and 45 minutes of labor. Brian caught Cian and handed him to me from behind me and between my legs. It took me a minute to navigate myself, but I managed to lay down with him.

After the birth, I continued to cramp and was extremely sensitive to the touch. We waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsing and turn white. I'm not sure how long this took. Brian cut the cord. I delivered the placenta not too long after this. Cian lightly nursed off and on but mostly slept during all of this. Pam and Shayna cleaned up and Shayna checked Cian out. As she had left her scale in her other vehicle, we had to wait for her husband to return in order to find out how much he weighed...8 lbs. 13 oz....my biggest baby. My mother left around 11 p.m., Shayna left about 30 minutes or so later. Brian and I gathered our things and left around midnight. We stopped by Taco Bell and got back to my dad's house around 12:30 a.m....about 6 hours after we had left.

This birth was not my shortest birth: Lanagan's was 3 hours, Mikal's was 5 hours, and Lake's was 2.5 hours. It did fit nicely into what my expectations of the length. My contractions never got any longer than 40-45 seconds.

This is how I remember the birth. I wanted to get it out before my memory faded too much. I may come back and edit later...

Nothing really new to say....

I haven't posted in a while, but there's really nothing to talk about. We're all doing fine. I had an appt. with my midwife, Shayna, yesterday. Honestly, I hate talking to anyone about the whole midwife/traveling to Texas to have my baby thing....everyone thinks I'm crazy. Well, everyone except for a few people: Bee, of course, and some of the people that I know through natural birth stuff...they understand my intense desire to do this without a hospital and without the fear of having matters taken out of my hands. Luckily, because my labors and short and simple, I've not had to deal with too much intervention, but I always worry. Never about the birth or the pain or even the baby....but about the intervention that may happen. I think horrible things like: "what if I don't dilate fast enough and they want to give me pitocin??" "what if I go too long passed my due date and the dr. demands an induction?" "what if the efm scares the dr. and they want to do an emergency c/s." These are the things that terrify me... not birth, that's normal. Not the pain, I can deal with that.

I'm reading this really neat book that Shayna loaned me called Baby Catcher. Baby Catcher is a collection of stories from a midwife. It reads really, really well and is very entertaining. I would have enjoyed being a midwife if things had been different. I love the birth stuff...I love the laboring stuff. I eat it up. I only wish that I had more time to devote to it. I feel so pulled in so many directions that I'm unable to give my full attention to anything for very long.

Babies, and toddlers, and kids....oh my

So, I'm pregnant.....again. It's funny. Well, not funny haha, just funny interesting. I honestly thought that my last baby would be, well, my last baby. I do admit that I had brief fleeting moments of sadness when I thought about never having babies again. I love everything that surrounds pregnancy and labor and birth. And, I'm good at it....like, really really good at it. I have easy pregnancies with no complications, quick labors and fast births. My babies have all been healthy and relatively easy to care for.

The subject of pregnancy, labor, and birth fascinate me. So much so that I teach couples how to have babies the natural way. I went through all of this training and academic stuff so that I could teach natural birth stuff to other people. It's a way for me to stay involved with pregnancy and labor without actually having to do it over and over and over again....the problem is that I keep doing it over and over and over again....this is my 4th baby. 1, 2, 3, 4 people!!!! That's not a family, it's a clan! Add me and mine to my honey and his babies and we're talking about six living children, one deceased baby, and two adults. My friend, Nikki, said it best when she said "we have the yours, mine, and ours thing going on."

So, there's a couple of things to mention. 1. I'm not married to the daddy, Bee. Love him, love him, love him. We had plans to marry before finding out we were pregnant, just hadn't gotten around to it yet. 2. Honestly, I haven't been divorced just too terribly long (that's a long story that I just won't go into right now). 3. My mother is devastated and rarely talks to me now. 4. I have lots of things on my to do list. It'll be fine.....just busy.

I am excited about the pregnancy for a few reasons (other than the obvious). I will actually have the opportunity to use a midwife and labor and birth my baby in a place other than a hospital. I detest laboring and birthing in a hospital. I never thought that I would have the opportunity to do things this way (because my labors are so short and all of the midwives are too far away), but things have worked out in such a way that it's going to work. I have a friend that's a doula and lives just a few miles into Texas. She graciously offered to let me visit her and "accidentally" have the baby there. You see, Texas midwives can't legally practice in LA. I was able to meet with my midwife for the first time on Friday. She's a new midwife, but with lots of experience. I'm excited about doing it this way. No hospital staff poking and prodding me or the baby. No rules about what can and can't be done. No required hospital stay.....I get to birth and go home. Natural birth brings with it a feeling of empowerment and a huge adrenaline rush that just won't quit. Being in a hospital is not conducive to that feeling...it fades and you're left feeling confined. It'll be nice to experience things in a different way.

So, I know there's no pics right now, but Bee said that he intended on taking them throughout the pregnancy. I'll add them as I can. As of today I am 8 weeks and 1 day. My due date is technically on January 10th, but the midwife, SW, and I agree that it will most likely be around the 17th or the 20th.

The business of blogging....

Honestly, by the time it's all said and done, I'll be spending so much of my time updating profiles and blogs that I won't have actual time to really live. I'm addicted to it on some level, though.

Currently, the things that are on my mind revolve around making life more simple. I didn't plan it this way....it just kind of....well, fell in my lap. I don't want to bog this blog down with the details of what or why or when or who....the important thing is that I am looking toward life being more simple, less ugly, and joyful.