Mommy stuff...

One of the main benefits (for me, at least) of drug free births is the bonding between mother and baby immediately after the birth. Unhindered by drugs, both mom and baby are able to look at and interact with each other. I love how people hold my babies and say, "S(he) is so alert!!" Hell yeah, he's alert...I brought him here without anything to make him not alert. I'm proud of myself for being able to do that. It is THE most amazing thing that I've had the pleasure of doing.

When Cian was born, Brian caught him and handed him to me between my legs. I remember grabbing his slippery little body and thinking two things: 1) "Wow, he's heavy!" and 2) "Wow, there he is, why don't I feel intense feelings for him?" Honestly, I shouldn't give myself such a hard time. I know the whole bonding and intense feeling thing takes a moment. But, I have harsh feelings of guilt over numerous things including my mothering abilities. I always feel that I should have done more in this department or less in that department....why didn't I teach this or I shouldn't have said that. Whatever...

So, of course Cian and I have bonded in the last three weeks. But, I didn't feel it in that extreme intense way that I have with the others until the other day. I had a dream about a baby. In the dream, the baby was mine, but it wasn't Cian. The specifics of the dream aren't important and I absolutely refuse to divulge them to anyone except Brian. When I was trying to tell him about the dream yesterday morning, I would tear up immediately. I'm not sure if I finished telling him about the dream or not. I was so overwhelmed by the emotion of the dream. While sitting in bed nursing Cian later that morning, I realized that I was there. I had that intense protective, bond-ish, mommy feeling that I had been thinking about. The fact that the baby in the dream wasn't Cian was irrelevant. It was the feeling that was important. Most moms know the feeling that I'm talking about. It's that feeling that you get when you're holding your newborn baby and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would give up your complete existence to protect the small, helpless creature that you currently have clasped to your breast. It's not a fleeting feeling, either. Once you feel it, it stays with you. I still have these intense feelings about Lanagan, and he's 8.

Biologically, this feeling is necessary for the continuation of our species. If mothers didn't feel this intense feeling for their babies, who would protect them so fiercely and how would helpless babies survive? They wouldn't. Of course, I'm not saying that dads don't have intense feelings about their children. In fact, I would definitely say that Brian displayed intense feelings toward Cian far sooner than I did. It's different for moms, though. There's just something about delivering another being from your own body...you'd just have to experience it:)